Toilet Training Cats | 'Swamp Brothers' Only Looks Cheap

What's the difference between "reality TV" and the old-fashioned scripted kind? Money. A whole lot of money.

Time was, somebody waltzed into a roomful of TV execs and said, "Let's make a show about an all-powerful witch who really wants to be an obedient housewife!" Somebody had to pay unionized folks to write scripts and hire actors and design costumes and sets and shoot, reshoot and edit episodes accompanied by artful credits and a catchy score, that in the case of "Bewitched," some folks are still humming 50 years later.
With "reality," you get the feeling that networks have cut out all of the professional intermediaries and simply foist a really dumb concept on unsuspecting viewers. Cheaply shot and barely interesting, a series like "Swamp Brothers" (10 p.m., Discovery) has all of the far-fetched wackiness of an old-fashioned sitcom pilot, without any of the professional trappings like acting, developed characters or wit.

Also missing are the documentary film elements that elevate series like "Deadliest Catch" and give viewers the notion that somebody actually worked to tell a compelling story. "Swamp" is more like a half-baked sitcom pitch reduced to "Jackass" production values.

Robbie and Stephen Keszey are brothers, but are supposed to hail from different cultural galaxies. Robbie is a former heavy metal rocker with the lurid tattoos to show for it. After a youth misspent head-banging, he's decided to invest in Herp Farm, described here as the largest venomous snake breeding facility in the world.

But to make the farm work -- or rather make the TV show work -- he needs his brother Stephen to help out. Stephen is described as a New York City bartender who prefers pouring Mojitos to wrangling reptiles. In short, they're one pair of matching bookends, different as night and day.

Except, this being a shamelessly cheap show, they're not. Stephen does exhibit a certain skittishness around giant venomous pythons. And he expresses some reservations when his brother suggests that he spend time bashing an enraged mother alligator in the snout while Robbie steals her eggs. But there's very little about Stephen to suggest that he's some urban sophisticate. And without that contrast established, there's little comedy, or point, to "Brothers."

If this were an old fashioned, scripted series, Robbie would be played by Ted Nugent and a very reluctant David Hyde Pierce would phone it in as Stephen. It would get horrible reviews and be canceled after two episodes. Since they're paying what looks like nothing for this show, "Swamp Brothers" can probably run forever.

As my mother always said, "you get what you pay for." Except, back in the day, anybody with a Philco could watch "Bewitched" for free. Now folks pay expensive cable bills and get saddled with cheap stuff like "Swamp Brothers." When corporations cut corners, guess who gets stuck with the bill?

Michael Rosenbaum returns as Lex Luthor on the series finale of Smallville" (8 p.m., CW, TV-14, L,V).

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

* A couple go to desperate lengths to raise money for a bone marrow transplant on "Flashpoint" (8 p.m., CBS, TV-14).

* Coach Taylor tries to explain college recruiting to Vince and his dad on "Friday Night Lights" (8 p.m., NBC, TV-14).

* A method for toilet training cats raises eyebrows and possibly, even money, on the season finale of "Shark Tank" (8 p.m., ABC, TV-PG).

* Mac vows to close another unsolved case on the seventh season finale of "CSI:NY" (9 p.m., CBS, TV-14).

* The documentary "Pig Farm" (9 p.m., Discovery ID) profiles a man believed to be Canada's most prolific serial killer.

* I thought "The Hangover" (9:15 p.m., Cinemax) was the most overrated movie of recent years until I saw "The King's Speech."

* Frank evades internal affairs to take down the Blue Templar on the season finale of "Blue Bloods" (10 p.m., CBS, TV-14).

* Morgan throws a dinner party on "Camelot" (10 p.m., Starz, TV-MA).

* Kings of Leon appear on "Storytellers" (11 p.m., VH1).

CULT CHOICE

A writer-for-hire (Ewan McGregor) gets more intrigue than he bargained for in the 2010 thriller "The Ghost Writer" (8 p.m., The Movie Channel), co-starring Pierce Brosnan.

SERIES NOTES

On two episodes of "Kitchen Nightmares" (8 p.m., Fox, TV-14), New Orleans (8 p.m.), old haunts (9 p.m., r).

LATE NIGHT

Joan Rivers, Nick Griffin and Okkervil River appears on "Late Show with David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS) ... Jay Leno welcomes Jodie Foster, Ken Jeong and Rodrigo Y Gabriela on "The Tonight Show" (11:35 p.m., NBC) ... Kristen Wiig, Chris Colfer and Lenny Kravitz chat on "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon" (12:35 a.m., NBC) ... Craig Ferguson hosts Paul Reiser and Melissa McCarthy on "The Late Late Show" (12:37 a.m., CBS).

Kevin McDonough can be reached at kmcdonough@unitedmedia.com .